The Rules Of Etiquette When Talking Shit

A guide on how to seem like a good person when saying a bunch of awful shit about another human being

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While on the Hinge dating app, potential suitors will often ask me, “What do you do for fun?” More often than not, I do not respond to this rather invasive question. But if I do respond,  I’ll concoct a vague lie and claim to love “trying new things” or “exploring.”

But the truth is this: my favorite pastime, my most beloved hobby, my most cherished amusement is… gossiping. Or to be more specific, shit-talking. 

I am not ashamed of this. In fact, I have a hunch that most people, including you dear reader, also relish in slandering others. 

But unfortunately, most people are afraid to live my shameless shit-talking lifestyle themselves because they face this age-old dilemma: how do I talk shit without seeming like a piece of shit myself? 

Indeed, the fear of coming off as a bad person can make even the most righteously annoyed of us shut their gobs. Lucky for you, this is my area of expertise. So, as my gift to you readers, I will impart a few nougats of wisdom from my eventual bestselling memoir: The Rules of Etiquette When Talking Shit.

Let’s begin. 

Rule #1: Preface your shit-talking by asking your listener, “Can I just be a bitch for a second?” 

This question might seem redundant, since you’re probably already being a bitch every second of every day, and your listener likely knows this. Nevertheless, this step is crucial, and those that skip it unknowingly commit a mega shit-talking faux pas.

By posing this question, you’re effectively warning your listener that you’re about to get waaaay more bitchy than usual. At the same time, you’re also gaining your listener’s explicit consent to do so. 

Furthermore, once they agree that you can be a bitch for a second, it becomes much trickier for them to deny culpability if they end up ratting you out. 

Rule #2: Compliment your victim 

After getting the green light from Rule #1, you may feel the urge to immediately begin the character assassination of your victim (the person you are shit-talking). But not so fast! Before you get into the meat and potatoes of your gripes, it’s essential to start by complimenting your victim. 

Starting your tirade with phrases like “I love (x) to death, but..” or “I know (x) means well, but…” makes you seem like a much better person than you actually are.

Instead of coming across as cruel and unfeeling, you come off as a good person who just happens to be at the end of their rope. You aren’t like this all the time! Your listener is just catching you on a bad day! We all say things we don’t mean when we’re exhausted and frustrated, don’t we? 

Rule #3: Express faux concern for your victim

Now that you’ve finished listing off every bad character trait you could identify in your victim, it’s time to wrap your shit-talking session up in a neat little bow.

Your listener may have pulled away from you during your tirade due to all the awful things you said. So, how do you reel them back in? By expressing concern. 

The epilogue of your rant should be something like “This isn’t like (x), why are they acting this way?” or “I’m honestly just worried that (x) isn’t in a good place.”

Phrases like these will assure your listener that you’re not actually a heinous bitch - you just care. What you said may have been vile, but it came from a pure heart. That’s what matters most! 

Rule #4: Always Thank Your Listener 

So, you’ve just said a lot of horrible things about another human being. Though you’ve covered your tracks well, you’re still worried that your listener now sees you in a different light. But fear not! I’ve got you covered. 

The last step in any polite shit-talking session is profusely thanking your listener. And if you feel like you haven’t fully swayed your listener to your side, it never hurts to mix in a few apologies and compliments. See example below: 

“Ugh, I’m so sorry I just talked your ear off. Thanks so much for bearing with me. You’re such a good listener.” 

Ending with a sincere thank you and quasi-compliment leaves your listener feeling good about themselves - feeling special. Though you’re likely shit-talking your victim to anyone with at least one functioning ear, your listener doesn’t need to know that. 

They’ll leave the conversation happy, which means you made them happy, which means you definitely can’t be a bad person, which means you must be a good person.