Raising Awareness for Lazy People (Like Me)

Why it's time to cut Lazy People (me) some slack

One thing about me is I always have my ear to the ground. I like to know what’s happening around me. And during my time on the ground, I’ve come to notice a common theme of the 2020’s era: awareness. We love to raise awareness, remain aware, then remind others that they too should be aware like us. We have dedicated entire months to this very pursuit. My favorites include the deeper cuts like Children’s Eye Health and Safety Month (August), Juvenile Arthritis Awareness Month (July), and the somewhat vague Plan Ahead for Health Awareness Month (December). 

This monthly awareness system gives almost every malady and misfortune the human body can face its rightful time to shine. Key word: almost. Because there is still one ailment that our calendar has yet to address. Laziness. 

The time for raising lazy people awareness is long past due. Frankly, I find it baffling that I seem to be the first to point out this notable omission. Perhaps this is due to the fear that Lazy-Peoples (Shorthand: LPs) have regarding speaking out. But I can no longer in good faith sit back and watch my peoples name be dragged through the mud! For too long, lazy people like myself have been outnumbered, stigmatized, and misunderstood by Un-lazy People (referred to in the lazy community as UPs, not to be confused with the popular shipping service, UPS). But it doesn’t have to be this way. 

Our society has the power to radically reshape the way it thinks about laziness. But for attitudes to change, they must first be educated. And I hope to provide that education in this very essay. 

Let us first address the misconceptions surrounding lazy people. The largest and perhaps most damaging is the belief that laziness is a choice rather than a natural disposition. This line of thinking does not make any sense. If laziness were a choice, there would be no lazy people. Believe me, if I were given the option to become a normal, energetic member of society,  I would take it in a heartbeat. 

The hard truth is that I am naturally and fundamentally way, way lazier than the average person. You might think I’m exaggerating here. You might think, ‘Well, we all have lazy days. That’s pretty normal.’ But for me, every day is a lazy day. And apparently that is not normal. It’s so not normal that my mom got me tested for anemia on the hunch that low iron was the cause of my permanent lethargy. It turns out I have totally normal iron levels, by the way. 

I think my laziness is in part inherited, particularly when it comes to sleep. All the women in my family are famous for their sleeping abilities. My personal record is 18 hours, which I think may count as a short coma. When I woke up, I had what’s called an “Oversleeping Hangover,” which occurs when you sleep so long that your blood sugar level drops and you wake up feeling rather fluish. Though inconvenient, there was an easy cure. My mother made me a large quesadilla and once I scarfed it down I felt right as rain. 

Sleeping 18 hours is extreme, even for me. Normally, my body wants somewhere between 10-12 hours per night. If I go to bed at 3am and don’t set an alarm for the next morning, there is a good chance I will wake up circa 1pm. Sleep doctors call this “Long Sleeper Syndrome,” which I have self diagnosed myself with for obvious reasons. According to experts, “The primary symptom of Long Sleeper Syndrome is regularly sleeping more than the recommended hours of sleep for your age group” (about 9 hours per night). Having Long Sleeper Syndrome would also explain my sleeping record, as when long sleepers don’t get enough sleep on the weeknights, they tend to have especially long sleep periods (over 12 hours) when their shut-eye is unrestricted. 

Being a long sleeper on its own doesn’t necessarily make someone a lazy person. But in my case, my waking hours are only slightly more productive than my unconscious ones. If given the opportunity, I will spend all day flobbering (a word my family created to describe the act of laying in bed and generally doing nothing. We use it very regularly). 

Flobbering is my favorite pastime. One could even call it my dearest hobby! But if I were living in the 1800’s, they would likely call it lethargy. Flobbering is most enjoyable when it has no deadline, when there are no upcoming social engagements or appointments scheduled for later in the day. Remembering that I have work or a doctor’s appointment later in the day fills me with a terrible sadness and I will spend all day plotting ways to get out of it. 

You might assume that after hours of loafing about I would eventually get the urge to do some kind of activity. But you would be wrong. I often hear UPs say things like, “It’s such a nice day today, I feel like I should get outside.” I do not share these urges. Doing nothing all day long has never filled me with guilt; on the contrary,  I consider it a day well spent. 

Another thing I find baffling about UPs is they seem to derive great enjoyment from physical exercise and exertion. They feel the need to “get out of the house” and “get their body moving.” Some of them even claim to get a certain “high” from exercise, particularly running. The only high I’ve ever gotten while running is the kind I imagine one feels right before freezing to death, when your body senses death at its doorstep and goes a little loopy. To put it plainly, I despise running more than I despise terrorism. From my perspective, claiming to “love running” is  like claiming to “love getting waterboarded.” In both cases, I will assume the speaker is harboring repressed sadomasochistic urges. But I digress. 

Now that I’ve given you a vignette into my mind, you are likely much more aware of what it’s like to be a lazy person than you were before. But I have yet to make you aware of the trials and tribulations. 

First, there is the stigma. I can’t describe how discouraging it is to have your fundamental nature considered one of the seven deadly sins. Frankly, I think grouping Sloth in with sins like Wrath and Envy is pretty unfair. It’s like when that “The Price of Glee” documentary put Mark Saling next to Naya Rivera and Cory Monteith on its cover.

Then there are the stereotypes which fuel the stigma even further - that lazy people are dumb, that lazy people are selfish and leech off others, that all lazy people eat is potato chips. None of which is true! In fact, these beliefs are so patently false that I refuse to spend my precious time on earth refuting them - it is beneath my dignity. And I am feeling a bit  lazy. 

But the stigma and the stereotypes are only a small part of my struggle. To tell you the truth, the hardest part of being lazy is having to live in a world that does not accommodate you. Because LPs don’t possess the energy to run companies or for office, our society is entirely controlled by UPs. Hence the 5 day work week, which makes even UPs feel drained. So imagine how draining it is for me! 

There is also the matter of time. UPs tend to be early risers and make LPs like myself adhere to the schedule of their circadian rhythm. As you can imagine, waking up early is quite tortuous for a long sleeper like myself. But I’ve learned to adapt as best I can. About a year ago, I learned that your body will naturally wake itself up when it senses a rise in temperature. So naturally, I purchased an electric blanket, which has been a real game changer for me. Here’s my system: if I have to be awake at 9am, I will set an alarm for 8:40am. When the alarm goes off at 8:40am, I pull the electric blanket over me and set it on the highest level. By the time 9am rolls around, my body has been roasted like a Christmas chestnut and I am ready to take on the day. 

My electric blanket strategy illuminates a common theme in my lazy life - the theme of having to constantly overcome hardships that UPs don’t even consider hardships. I just want UPs to understand that what’s easy for them is often very difficult for a languid person like me. As such, I think it’s more than fair to hold me to a different set of expectations. I just want to be cut some slack. 

Whether that slack gets cut is entirely up to you, dear reader. This essay is but the spark of change. Only you can be the wind which fans that spark into the flames of a national, grassroots movement. Un-lazy people must be willing to step up and champion the lazy person’s cause if we are to make any progress. Because, simply put, I really don't have the energy to do it myself. It kind of sounds like a lot.