My Pitch for Reorganizing Hell

How I, Keara Sullivan, would restructure and revamp the Inferno of eternal suffering below.

I’ve been thinking quite a bit about Hell lately. Specifically, the Hell depicted in Dante Alighieri’s 14th century epic poem Divine Comedy, otherwise known as “Dante’s Inferno.” 

I’m not sure why I have Hell on the brain. I think it’s because I don’t have a crush on anyone at the moment. Stay with me here. Having a crush on someone usually occupies about 70% of my daily thoughts. And in the absence of any such crush, a lot of free real estate has opened up in my brain. Real estate that is now being used to ponder the dark beyond. 

I can’t say I fully buy into the existence of Hell or any kind of afterlife for that matter. But I must admit… I like the concept. Perhaps it’s because I was raised Catholic, perhaps it’s because I’m a Libra, or perhaps it’s because I come from a long line of Irish grudge-holders. Whatever the case may be, the idea of receiving divine justice once we shuffle off this mortal coil is one that I can get behind. 

If Hell is indeed real, I think Dante’s Divine Comedy is likely the most accurate depiction of it. Structuring Hell into circles where each sin receives its own corresponding punishment seems like the obvious choice for Satan. So, on the off chance that a fiery inferno of Hell sits below us, I would like to propose a few changes to its structure. 

Don’t get me wrong, Dante did an admirable job with the original nine circles of Hell. But a lot has changed since the 1300’s. We live in a very different world. And as our world changes, it feels only right that Hell should change with it. So without further ado, here is my pitch for how the Inferno of Hell should be revamped. 

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1. Send Annoying people to Limbo instead of virtuous Pagans 

My first major change concerns who gets sent to the first circle, Limbo (or Purgatory). In Dante’s version, Limbo is reserved for virtuous pagans and the unbaptized. Anyone who existed before Jesus Christ and anyone who didn’t accept him as their messiah once he was on the scene goes to Limbo.

This setup seems rather unfair. And it gives the pagans who lived and died before Jesus was even born an especially raw deal! That being said, I don’t want to give Limbo the ax entirely. Acting as a kind of buffer zone between Heaven and Hell is a pretty important function. So I say we keep Limbo. But instead of filling it with virtuous pagans, we fill it with annoying people. Hear me out. 

Imagine a man named Dave. Dave regularly donates to charity, he always leaves a 25% tip, and he constantly interrupts people when they’re speaking. Now, Dave isn’t a bad person. In fact, he’s pretty good as far as humans go. But he has caused a great deal of suffering to those around him with his habitual interruptions. Suffering that should not go unnoticed in the eyes of the Lord! 

That’s where Limbo comes in. Once Dave dies, God can send him down to Limbo where Dave can learn the importance of letting people finish their sentences. Once God thinks Dave has learned his lesson and is no longer likely to interrupt those in Heaven, he can allow Dave to ascend. 

Simply put, bringing the pagans up to Heaven and sending the annoying down to Limbo is a win for all parties. The Pagans get to go to Heaven, the Heaven-folk don’t have to deal with annoying people, and annoying people learn their lesson. 

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2. Change circle two from Lust to Rudeness 

My second sweeping proposal is to scrap the second circle, Lust, and replace it with the circle of Rudeness. 

Why? Well frankly, I don’t think Lust is actually a sin. According to the Christian doctrine that Dante followed, a person is guilty of Lust if they allow it to sway their moral reason OR if they seek sexual pleasure “for itself, isolated from its procreative and unitive purposes.” 

The first part of that criteria I can get behind. If Lust makes you cheat on someone you love or betray a dear friend, I think that’s bad. But the second part is where they lose me. This may shock some of you, but I am not a virgin. I have had a good amount of sex in my lifetime. And in none of those intercourses did I go into it with the goal of consecrating a marriage or getting pregnant. Does that make me deserving of eternal damnation? I think not! 

Hence, the circle of Rudeness, in which I envision three distinct rings.

The first ring will be reserved for those who were rude to others online. For those who needlessly left hate comments, those who started internet fights for fun, those who created the “Stefani Germanotta You Will Never Be Famous” Facebook Page, etc. 

The second ring will be set aside for those who were rude to others in real life. For the people who regularly cut others in line, for the drivers who honk at me even though I have the crosswalk and the right of way, for that one dude I went to highschool with who told me, “Wow, your thighs are massive.” You get the gist. 

The third ring will be for the very worst of them all: those who were rude to service workers. I know that this technically falls under second ring territory, but I think people who don’t tip their servers and yell at poor retail workers should have a special place in hell. With an especially brutal punishment to match. 

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3. Change circle three from Gluttony to Exploitation

My third edit regards circle three, Gluttony. The standard definition of Gluttony is “the overindulgence of food or drink.” But in both Christian doctrine and Dante’s Divine Comedy, Gluttony is more of an umbrella sin that refers to addiction of all kinds. 

Much like Lust, I feel Gluttony as a sin has also grown outdated. I should also point out that it was much, much easier to be non-gluttonous back in Dante’s day. There was no advertising, there was way less food, and the food they did have wasn’t concocted with the express aim of addicting its consumer. Furthermore, I don’t think alcoholics or drug addicts should be sent to Hell just because of their addiction. The truth is that anyone can fall into addiction and those who can’t get themselves out of that hole often don’t have the resources or support system to do so. I’m sure God understands that since he has that “all-knowing” thing.

I suggest that the third circle be reserved for the Exploitative rather than the Gluttonous. This way, the people who are actually responsible for today’s gluttony (think those who manufactured the opioid epidemic, etc.) will receive the justice they deserve. The circle of Exploitation has the potential to wreak vengeance upon those committing uniquely modern sins. At long last, morally corrupt reality TV show producers and people who film strangers in public without their consent will have a designated place in Hell.

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4. Change circle six from Heresy to Bigotry

Now let’s jump to the sixth circle, Heresy. Dante really hit the nail on the head with circles four and five (Greed and Wrath) so they can remain as they are. That being said, the sixth circle needs a major redesign if it wants to remain relevant to our modern era of sin. 

In Dante’s blueprint of Hell, the sixth circle is reserved for those who commit Heresy - a formal denial or doubt of a core doctrine of the Christian faith. Based on that criteria, my atheist mother might technically qualify as a heretic. I say might because I’m not sure how much heavy lifting the word “formally” does in the definition of Heresy. Either way, any system of judgment which might send my mother to Hell is one that I must adamantly condemn! 

But I’m not just here to point out problems. I’m here to offer solutions! The easiest being to ditch Heresy and instead use the eviler, more relevant sin of Bigotry. That way God can throw all the sexists, homophobes, racists, transphobes, ageists, xenophobes, and anyone else whose identity ends with a “phobe” down into Hell in one easy swoop. Satan’s underlings can handle the rest. 

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5. Adjustments to rings within circle seven, Violence

My final edits concern the inner rings within the seventh circle, Violence. I have no notes for the eighth circle of Fraud or the ninth circle of Treachery. Dante covered all the bases with those two. Before I address my qualms with the specific rings of Violence, you should probably know what they are. Please see below! 

1. Violence Against Self. 

2. Violence Against Neighbors.

3. Violence Against God, Art, & Nature

My first nit to pick is with ring one. I am of the belief that people should not automatically be sent to Hell for committing suicide or self harming. But I won’t go so far as to “cancel” Dante over this one. I suspect mental health awareness was probably not big back in feudal Europe. 

I also must admit that my opinion may be biased. Back in middle and high school, I made myself throw up every day. This was undoubtedly a form of Violence against myself and my body. Its after-effects continue to haunt my physical health even at the age of twenty-four. But I think that God has forgiven me for this, I really do, and I think he has forgiven others as well. 

With that in mind, I recommend changing ‘Violence Against Self’ to ‘Violence Against Animals.” I’ll assume you don’t need me to explain why animal abuse is a much greater evil and just leave it at that.

My last tweak is for ring three: ‘Violence Against God, Art, & Nature.’ This sounds pretty good on its face. But if you actually read Divine Comedy, you discover that when Dante says “Violence Against Nature” he is not referring to littering or pollution. He is referring to sodomy…as in anal sex. 

I don’t know about you, but I don’t regard anal sex as a sin. Tossing everyone who has done anal down into the pit of Violence with all the murderers and animal abusers seems a bit much, no? I’m glad we agree. 

As such, my final change to Hell is swapping ‘Violence Against God, Art, & Nature’ to ‘Violence Against Art & The Environment.’ I gave the ‘Against God’ bit the chop because of its redundancy. When God sees someone pollute the environment He created, I’m sure He takes it as a very personal offense. 

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With that final tweak squared away, my pitch for reorganizing Hell has come to a close. I’m not sure how to get this pitch into Satan’s hands as I don’t have any contacts in the underworld. If you personally know someone in Hell or have the power to summon Lucifer,  please pass this along. And for all you visual learners somehow still reading this, I’ve attached a table below in which you can compare Dante’s blueprint for Hell to my new and improved version. My edits are in blue. Enjoy!